the last remainings of my spirit

update on my life:
this town is slowly sucking away my soul. i am not depressed but therefor depict depressed like symptoms such as
loss of apatite
feelings of worthlessness
loss of the ability to concentrate and my favorite, indecisiveness.
but what I don't have, and what does not make me depressed is the recurrent thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts, i don't have that
I don't think like that
what I do have are thoughts of life
of living life
of a life worth living
of running a deserts sands that stretch for miles and miles with no one in sight, swimming the seas with every sea creature alike, of flying along side anything with wings and eating all delicacies from Africa to Antarctica.
but those are just thoughts, and not actually life
my thoughts are useless here
i am in a small cage. trapped. easy to get in, but hard to get out of
i find myself longing to run. run away from this hell ive lived in my whole life. what a waste of a whole life. I wasnt born until i saw the light of day. until i escaped.
i only experienced a taste of a life worth living while growing up and that wasnt until my teen years
a childhood lost
few memories i care to keep
im only looking forward
and at last
free from hell
ive discovered myself, lost myself, broke myself and re discovered myself all in less than a year only to be thrown back into an all too familair world, an all too familiar cage
my spirit is broken here
and yet no one seems to understand how a town could do this
ive always been a wild horse
even when i was younger, i imagined horses running...running away, escaping freely on a semi busy highway outside of this town
i say imagine because to you that's what they'd be...but to me they were there. they were real and they were there
but now im here
still here
and as my spirit is being diminished, i still fight
and if i close my eyes tight enough, i can still see those horses running
to where exactly, i dont know
but somewhere they could be happy
if only for a moment
if only for forever
I use to have eyes as wide as world
a heart bigger than any continent
a smile that lasted for days
but all that has seem to have gone awry
due to this forsake taken im forced to call my home. forced to be here. because the world i long for is not free. the world could be mine if not for that, if it werent so far away but close enough to have the edge of my finger tipes graze it
this town. this hell. a land of lost characters, forgotton names and faded forgettable moments. where your decisions are made up for you, every action already planned out, every action already written predictable
and this is a promise. i will not return here. i will not be here for more than a few days at a time. i will not call this my home. i will not call these people my friends. i will not be another lost case forever stuck in a black hole of an already written life, everything predicted to a T, even your death.
if not physical but mental suicide.
and without even lifting a finger
it has done that to me
i am not me here
i will never be
for here i am another student walking the empty roads of unsuccessful lives, living day by day...working paycheck to paycheck, looked down upon by the few wealthy who''s kids hate them and who hate me for trying to be me and not conform to the norms of this one sided mind that is Washingtonville
and if i close my eyes hard enough i can still see those horses
but a vague memory
when before i never even had to close my eyes
my soul
in slow decay
i know few if none will understand
i am being murdered
in the worst possible way

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