i was told to tell the truth

Since being an arts Management Major I took a marketing class where we basically had a class where a portion was dedicated to blogging. A kind of "How To" and the only thing I really learned, minus the whole marketing, branding yourself aspect was to TELL THE TRUTH. if i left anything out why would anyone want to listen to me?
its hard to make people listen to me anyways

i always felt i was a better writer than i am speaker. i have a million thoughts at once. i mumble, stutter, and talk too fast. i change topics like no other and am very random. never been diagnosed with ADD/ ADHD, though i should have been but i lied to the doctors. i have many secrets
basically im kinda crazy. i think so anyways
and in the words of kramer from Seinfield
"or am i so crazy im sane?"

saying that...

last night was the last friday at purchase before winter break. thank god. and of coarse its quiet hours which means no parties, which i didnt even feel like going to anyways
1) because its - whatever out
2) purchase parties suck

and i found myself alone walking in the olde at 11:30, looking for my only friend left, fritz. cold, and already angry due to the crazy people i know and live with arguing and fighting, literally about to throw punches. i walk towards the only person i can feel some comfort in. being a wandering phone-less friend, i arrive ti his place with no say as to where he is. which was no surprise to me because fritz goes on hiatus during the weekend and will pop up monday morning as usual to smoke our brains out and continue to do so until friday during the day. he's not my friend just because we smoke
we are both crazy
crazy sane people
crazy sane people with lost sense of being
were are not hopeless, or unmotivated. we are both driven and hardworking
but we lost ourselves in someone, a part of us we may never possible get back
and both fairly recent
both finding a way to overcome our wounds
struggling of coarse

i say my only friend because the person i lost a part of myself in
well, he was my 2nd friend
1 of 2 people who saw a side of me, i dare not show many people.
actually just those to, and not even fully
next to my sisters, which dont really count (no offense)
ive kept my life hidden, mu whole life until a few years ago where i broke down and decided to try and finally reveal myself
which usually ended miserably and me being hurt because i would be myself and people didn't like it
people didn't like me (I usually dont give a fuck)
so here goes one more try i say
last year
i met my "match" (hhaha match)
i had a wall up at first and I wasn't even going to give him a chance but being who he was. incredible. i got scared
scared of losing him
scared of revealing myself with the same outcome
scared of being hurt again
but in trying to fulfill their needs I lost sight of my own
i dont know where things went wrong but i lost him
my friend i would favor above all else
the one i would talk to, and make me feel safe without doing anything
anyways...im rambling

SO on this Friday night and no fritz insight
i walk back to my apartment. alone. and freezing
its then I realized. I don't have any friends.
with sounds of laughter and dance music and groups talking as i slowly fade away into the dark
i became sad

where was my other friend?
he was never there physically, but he was always there. even to leave a voicemail
and now. no more.
i recalled a conversation i had with my past friend about having no friends and that i liked his group of friends and wanted friends like his.
i don't need many people in my life
just important ones
i was lonely
i am lonely
and it goes unnoticed because the persona, the image i give off here is one of great strength, never sad, busy, on the go, leader that (this is the best part) KNOWS EVERYONE, AM FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE
to people around here, they don't understand how I can be so alone
but just because people know me or i know them doesn't mean im not

I understand why it had to be like this and why you had to leave. I understand why we separated an I know that i that it's for the better. im young. your figuring out your life. were both busy. I was in way too deep, much deeper than you. I understand we needed a break. i get it ok!

what i don't get it why I have to loose a friend. I didn't want to have to put a name to us, i just want my friend back. i dont want to be with you. i just want you to be there. and I haven't called because only half of what i just said is true. and im not sure if i ever will. because there's some feeling inside me, a lot of if and it's something I can explain
its a good feeling
what I don't get is if I understand why things are the way they are; then why am i at the position that im at?
i just want my friend back but it might be too late

1)a phone works both ways and if my "friend" wanted to, they would
2) last few things said by my "friend" were probably some of the MOST hurtful things ever said to me

refusing to let this night go, though i should of, and making an attempt to find people i found myself surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and jerks and already binded group cluster and in my effort to reach out i was given the cold shoulder, forced to sit on a couch and occupy my hands by drinking 1 beer the entire night just to give me something to do since no one was going to talk to. desperately wanting myself to just go back to my room i lingered on until 3 am where it became blatantly obvious the night was a fail.

I lay here consoling myself on an unmade bed mattress and for some reason im still awake

he's ruined me

and now it's over
a relationship ive been working on and hoping to keep together for a year has met it's completion. its end. it's over
and it's weird that it's over
I knew this day would come, but I didn't actually think it would come
i was so blind to the fact that time will catch up to us all eventually and now im alone and it's all so strange. a scary kind of new
SInce being harmed from past relationships I found recovering from this one to be much easier than the last
in a way that i did not mop and sob for a months time rather what i did do was cry the night before the break up and the night dont of, got it all out, so what i thought, that even a mere few days after the break up I feel nothing
Im not hurt and my heart is not broken,
just bruised
or maybe im just numb to it all but as of right now I feel a sense of content and level headedness
In my relationship I dealt with the same matters
When I had a boyfriend, I didn't get to see him a lot. twice a month if I was lucky. I smoked a lot. hung out with friends. went to work. took photos. etc
and now that im a part of the single majority again my life has been exactly the same
minus the fact i have a designated person to go and have sex with.

(this is the cold hearted side of my heart speaking)

i dont hurt. i do miss him but in all honesty it's for the best. Im a young 2o years old mama-cita and I couldn't honestly keep that unexposed to a guy who doesn't even want it
and coming from the not most faithful person in the world. me being in a seriously relationship must be some kind of joke!

WHT DID WE BREAK UP? (in my opinion) I felt as of he didn't care about saving our relationship and I knew for a fact he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew weeks before that the end was near. He lost that spark he had for me, so there i am head over heels in lust with a man who really just likes my sex? if even, but i do think im good.
it's not that i didn't want to be with him. i did
but I couldn't let him go on in anymore in a relationship he wanted nothing to with and when he would hang out with me he'd seem miserable and say comments that basically meant " I could be somewhere better." I blame this to the fact that he would not remember most of our nights
due to drinking
the nights that made me fall for him so hard
since he would have no recollection
the last time i saw him after a a semi decent/ wreck of a 1 year anniversary i was on the bus to work with him, the last thing he said to me was " i had a good time" i turn away and quickly roll my eyes
probably to the fact that I wasn't even sure if he remembered last night and words he spoke to me that MAY or may not have been said to me
and I thought to myself a girlfriend should not be rolling her eyes to a her boyfriend saying he had a good time
but i genuinely felt as if he didn't mean it and i didn't believe him
that's when i knew the end was about to occur

after the bitterness I calmed down and realized it was going to be ok
sort of.....TBA

andy. felt nothing. made fun. nothing offer. hurtful things hes said. karma

why i love him

I love him when he's close
I love him when he's far
I love him when he's happy
I love him when he's sad
I especially love him when he's in a bad mood
I love him when he's clean
I love him when he's dirty
I love him when he's awake
I love him when he's asleep
I especially love when i fall asleep with him
I love him when he's sober
I love him when he's drunk
I love him when i kiss him
I love him when when we hug
I especially love him when we just touch
I love his mind, his soul, the way he talks, and when he laughs, i love his eyes, his hair, his body, his voice
i love him i love him i love him i love him
sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's mean
sometimes he cares and sometimes not
but i love him inside and out
in every way possible
and that's why i love him
in the simplest way possible
but i don't know if he loves me

the last remainings of my spirit

update on my life:
this town is slowly sucking away my soul. i am not depressed but therefor depict depressed like symptoms such as
loss of apatite
feelings of worthlessness
loss of the ability to concentrate and my favorite, indecisiveness.
but what I don't have, and what does not make me depressed is the recurrent thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts, i don't have that
I don't think like that
what I do have are thoughts of life
of living life
of a life worth living
of running a deserts sands that stretch for miles and miles with no one in sight, swimming the seas with every sea creature alike, of flying along side anything with wings and eating all delicacies from Africa to Antarctica.
but those are just thoughts, and not actually life
my thoughts are useless here
i am in a small cage. trapped. easy to get in, but hard to get out of
i find myself longing to run. run away from this hell ive lived in my whole life. what a waste of a whole life. I wasnt born until i saw the light of day. until i escaped.
i only experienced a taste of a life worth living while growing up and that wasnt until my teen years
a childhood lost
few memories i care to keep
im only looking forward
and at last
free from hell
ive discovered myself, lost myself, broke myself and re discovered myself all in less than a year only to be thrown back into an all too familair world, an all too familiar cage
my spirit is broken here
and yet no one seems to understand how a town could do this
ive always been a wild horse
even when i was younger, i imagined horses running...running away, escaping freely on a semi busy highway outside of this town
i say imagine because to you that's what they'd be...but to me they were there. they were real and they were there
but now im here
still here
and as my spirit is being diminished, i still fight
and if i close my eyes tight enough, i can still see those horses running
to where exactly, i dont know
but somewhere they could be happy
if only for a moment
if only for forever
I use to have eyes as wide as world
a heart bigger than any continent
a smile that lasted for days
but all that has seem to have gone awry
due to this forsake taken im forced to call my home. forced to be here. because the world i long for is not free. the world could be mine if not for that, if it werent so far away but close enough to have the edge of my finger tipes graze it
this town. this hell. a land of lost characters, forgotton names and faded forgettable moments. where your decisions are made up for you, every action already planned out, every action already written down...so predictable
and this is a promise. i will not return here. i will not be here for more than a few days at a time. i will not call this my home. i will not call these people my friends. i will not be another lost case forever stuck in a black hole of an already written life, everything predicted to a T, even your death.
if not physical but mental suicide.
and without even lifting a finger
it has done that to me
i am not me here
i will never be
for here i am another student walking the empty roads of unsuccessful lives, living day by day...working paycheck to paycheck, looked down upon by the few wealthy who''s kids hate them and who hate me for trying to be me and not conform to the norms of this one sided mind that is Washingtonville
and if i close my eyes hard enough i can still see those horses
but a vague memory
when before i never even had to close my eyes
my soul
in slow decay
i know few if none will understand
i am being murdered
in the worst possible way

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