TIme does Heal all

And when I thought this pain wouldn't end
it has
the heart is resilient
bash it smash it tear it apart, it will always come together again

I've changed though
minus the fact that i dont have sex anymore
I pick and choose my battles
like before
i would set "goals" and then i would reach them
im doing that agian
also reinventing the cock tease

I have a newly found appreciation for blunt and real people, as i am one of them.  I understand a lot more about "love" and if you ever read "Romance and Love" by Hooks it explains the difference between Love and Romance and why romance is a fantasy and Love is a choice. READ IT! but I agree.  what i wanted before was this fairy tale (which doesn't exist) and I probably chose the worst person for that because he was such a dick (in a good way) very real very tell you how it is guy
so....
I understand now
I cant be lost again in this fantasy world make believing love is actually real
I have to choose to be in love

well about 2 weeks ago as i was recovering and in a vulnerable stage of no longer being hurt but looking for that rebound
i found my rebound
a charming very attractive blonde chill dude
very sexy
i was into him
but i was blinded and jaded again because my friends were feeding my brain nonsense
ive met this guy before
why was i not attracted to him before?
People were telling me things like "he's think you're hot" "he wants to bang you" and stuff he'd say, and all that made me go crazy
i was flustered
and quite smitten but then brought right back down to earth when on the 2nd and last week of my vulnerability  i saw him with another girl
and i was hurt
not because i actually liked him
but because i felt like a fool
i thought and made up in my head this idea of romance again and realized I don't like him i like the idea of him.  a status thing really aka another notch under my belt. SO after I was brought back down to earth
what was the real problem here? i didn't and still don't want a relationship! I've finally figured it out....I just want "dehumpnik"  real good, real bad
and it's hard to come around good sex
especially after you've cared for someone for so long, i know....i tried about 3 times and all the guys sucked... damn... so i'm just gonna stick to myself... work up my men... and then pounce, like they've never been pounced on before
hahaha
in order from hot to hotter
come on ladies... what i am trying to say is shut those legs, and aim high! real high
oh! and also, never let a guy have the title of sleeping with 2 girls in 2 days, it boosts their confidence in the worst way... tempt them then pull away
ALWAYS TRY TO BE THE GIRL THEY CANT GET
AND IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 25 AND YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE
YOU'RE NOT
AND YOU'RE TOO CAUGHT UP

just chill, and hang, and cock tease... it's a lot more fun the next day too when they only want you more instead of the awkward passing by each other moment

in the words of elton john : "the bitch is back"

The words she knows the tune she hums: A V-Day Special

and it gets easier everyday

to forget and forgive

but that feeling. no its not gone

during day light hours it's easy to forget, forget i used to know your name

the darkness though,

lonely and cold

like it's always been

but it's different this time

this time i dont know

it never mattered before that you weren't around

what matters now is the Fact that your not around

I, as always have been no friend to sleep 

avoiding as much as i can

as much as my body will allow

my days are not much better. bombarding my time with obligations and fast paced blurry memories of more responsibilities 

not that im not happy

no

you must know i love this type of lifestyle

busy, hectic & crazy

you must know

i never had time

we never had time

Know that I am happy

but 

you must know that i still miss that soul

that soul that watched me grow up

and i think that's what im most bitter about, having someone you care about watch you grow

grow to be who you are now

Stumbling upon you so young. so naive

To a man, really

An almost adult figure, on the brink of figuring out their life

with just a little bit more time to have fun

that's where i fell in

naive as I was, Im not who you may think  I was

I've never had this before. a year ago it was all so new to me. and you, most likely a veteran didn't even consider how this would end

to allow me, and watch me dig deeper and deeper into my own grave

you watch

and i believe you knew it was wrong, what you were doing was wrong. we were never on the same level. Still, your actions suggested differently. the many things you'd done to cause my brain to be so gullible and ignore the truth

the truth that you never really felt the same

and letting you watch me be a girl falling in lust and then falling out

that's the part that hurts

because it makes me feel embarrassed that you ever saw that side of me, the actually side that you should only feel privileged to have seen

Those feelings meant something to me, everything i ever did took a lot for me to do

i thought you cared more than that to let me linger. especially when we used to talk about the end way before it was the end

I thought things would of been different

and Im not angry

far from

slightly bitter

because it makes me feel ashamed. that in actuality i am partly weak. i am partly human

and maybe it makes feel a little sad from time to time

that i think i might have really lost something good, and maybe it makes me upset to think that maybe you've never thought that at all

Though. look at us. both im assuming successful. both working on our careers. we werent meant to last. we were meant to go on and keep growing

using each other only for the best of reasons

i couldn't say thank you enough

i am definitely where i need to be at

this was meant to be

bitter sweet

but i cant help but hope that this goodbye isnt really a goodbye and over time, when all has calmed down that i could look into those eyes and say "hi, how have you been?"

at least you were never a shitty friend

just a shitty boyfriend

:)

dont take that offensively

we had some good times

and if clothes came off the next time i saw you, well im not exactly opposed to the idea

happy valentines day

A few things on my mind at this moment

A few thngs I just want to say

i find it sad that in history, music has progressively gotten worse. When bands such as Led Zepplin, Beatles (Beatles Station Pandora ranting right now) have great music but poor quality of music, yea i know some stuff gets remastered
byt music today has improved equipment and we've reduce ourselves to "Tik tok : (my sisrer will love me for posting this crap song)

"

and Taylor swift
don't get me wrong...i can belt a good taylor swift song any day
and Laday GaGa, forget it
but I wish i didn't like it
but really music, 90's had better days than now

I'm sorry, but I was just watching the buried life and after that was "my life as LIz...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?

I am officially going to be running for Major Events Coordinator at Purchase College. I really feel ready and so sure I can make the best event yet. I've wanted this for so long

This coming year i was 136 lbs and coming back Jan. 19th I was back to my High school weight of 116 libs. due to a stomach virus and food poisoning, hell month(s). After learning of this new information i immediatley started on an eat everything in site binge. i love food

#1 what I wanna do before I die: Make a one hit wonder or a hit song every so often

I really think Mick Jagger is sexy...real sexy...i know he looks like a skeleton but c'mon, I do wish he was 20 around now...sexay - http://www.mickjagger.com/


one the topic of men...i've always had a particular style of men, ever since I was about 12/14 : Older caucasion Jewish Men
im gonna be honest drive me bananas, maybe my type will change...i do like those older italian alpachino/ deniro types... MMmmmMMM
http://fuckyeahjewishmen.tumblr.com/post/307350908/inside-the-actors-studio-questionnaire-with-robert <<< check that shit out Avatar and Schlock Holmes were ok more close to bad minus the fact that on SH downey had a God's body and seeing avatar in 3d was cool until i got a massive headache New Jersey...I approve


New York...get on that shit

Im a Conan Fan personally, but Fallon is killing it

Damn Robert Williams is getting old
.... So is Tom Hanks

#2 what I wanna do beofre I die: be in a movie with really awesome cinamotgraphy

#3 Meet Jerry Lewis (for those of you that dont know, my idol, whos tattoo i wanted on my ass at one point then wanted on my thigh and havent even gotten, definitly not gotton) oh and he's Jewish

I want a least 5 Tattoos

back in the day, i forgot what year, girls used to go on" dates for dinner"...i believe in that

You Need to watch this Documentary VICE Magazine is posting :!!!!!! i get those Magazines free when I work at American Apparel American Apparel American App App Ap Ap ....Amrican Apparel owns my life, Dov Charney is my leader
o god, sorry
I dont know what got into me
(the link to their twatter = http://twitter.com/VICEMAG )




I just started watching the Jersey shore and Im 2 1/2 shows in....and I've learned that if I was a Guiddette i would be in lust with "the situation"
i like to imagine him as a normal person...tshirt hoodie (American Apparel, sad i know and you don't even work there) and fitting dark jeans with a small beard...and less less tan...not too shaby. And didn't he want to be called the "resolution" too after new Years?


I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with him


My fritz became an RA, im sad. i dont see him as mcuh...im officially best friend less


As of right now, im pretty sure I was to age naturally

Purchase College needs to have more parties? WTF? after my freshman year PC went down hill just like the economy
I remember my share of naked Parties, ABC's, sneaking into DT parties (only once), staying up til 6am days in a row, thirsty thursdays was not an option, it was an obligation

Culture Shock needs to Happen on the Great Lawn within the next two years at Purchase College before the Great Lawn is raped and stolen from us by the athletics department

Technology will one day meet it's end. Just like the Death of Painting, The Death of Technology
but dont worry we still have a few more things to improve on our MAcs, Ipods, cell phones, and what not
the direction technology is going people are going for a more simplistic and efficient technolgy. people who had black berrts going back to razr's for cost and they enjoyed the product in the past

you're so hurtful at times, i blame
the intake of alcohol your rotting liver endures.
only because you were too
boy o boy were you too
who never even showed it in the slighest bit and
can act like a gentlemen and
make me suffer all in oe night, make
me wander for the rest of my life
come, lets count our stars tonight

im a mixute of raunchy, crazy, dirty
with a pinch of shyness

Johnny Depp is underrated, So is Quentin Tarintino


Did anyone else think they had a rough life as a middle child? i certainly think so. "it's a hard knock life"

isnt it wierd how we all have an expiration date

Perez Hilton - Im over it
and all social lites for that matter, gossip girl go to hell, and rich kids who dont work and blow money of coke and, yea those wastes of life...and daddys money which could be used for a better reason... like buying me coke. seriously though, i want your daddy's money and get your life together.

tmz is headed down too

Anderson Cooper has officially replaced Walter Conkrite, he is an incredible news reporter and I want to strive to be like him one day. His passion explodes off screen and into the viewer

Why hasnt solar power become more popular yet? Do people realize the world gets shittier and shitteir everyday

I wish Michael Jackson didn't die because he an a strong opinion of helping the enviroment...if you saw this is it then you know what i mean



Dean Martin:


Lion Vs Zebra:


I leaned how to make hitler smiley faces

rejected Halloween Costume of 2009
- surviving Cancer Patient

my 2010 resolution
cut bread - FAIL
eat more veggies - Almost Fail
Drink more alcohol - WIN
the good thing about resolutions is that you can always keep trying, just because you messed up doesnt mean you have to stop. just don't quit

no fatties.

if you think it, you totally should say it

coney island 08

looking into your eyes was more than i could ever ask for

but i know nothing will ever happen, nothing ever happened. and as you stared back i only wanted it to stay like that forever, but i cant ask for too much

drunk and wandering i stumble upon you, live music blairing and blurry vague visions, i knew instantly it was you. i lost my breath and started to choke on nothing, gasping for air throughout the whole time my eyes were only kept on you...and as i caught my breath i caught myself following you in a part of town i knew nothing about, getting lost was not an option...where you were headed was were i was supposed to be

out of the the thousands of people around me, how could i all of a sudden turn around and there you are, like it was meant to be. not knowing whether you'd be there or not, not even a clue. i turned around and it was meant to be.

i think i may have caught your eye as i passed by you, thinking so i run for cover...passing by eachother only a few more times, somewhere along the the way i loose you where i first saw you. only about 5 mintures from when i first started following you

i felt dead. there was no more reason to smile, like it was stolen from me. it was. i know you saw me, what i dont know is what you were thinking and if it was similar to what i was thinking or at least in the same catagory.

Drinking, drinking, smoking, drinking. activities un benounce to me activities that would bring me closer to you
with a group of friends in front of me, leading me, stumbling and being led the group clears, as if intentional, to show me a surprise...they cleared the way for you and our eyes met.

aren't you going to hug me?
(immediatly i put up a front)
but i hug you

naturally i sit down next to you, smoothly you hold my hand..."Karla,..karla" as you stare into my eyes, it looked like you meant it. as you caress my hand, i would of believed it.

my own name is haunted by your voice.

we talked. you were you, i was me. pretending to have no interest, no. forcing myself to have no interest...somehow it worked. dont you think so?

for some time in that one spot playing games, eating, talking, looking at eachother until...

we both got up and you kissed my forehead. that was the last of our eye contact

but as always you lost interest. and i had to pretend i wasnt hurt, and that was harder. so as the night passed and time lasped it was time for it to end...i walked away. we didnt even say goodbye.

peru: an out of order nutshell

Well,
I must say after 3 weeks in Peru and enduring 5 plane rides including my first ever (and I, terrified of planes) well, im alive
especially considering i truly believed my last days were ahead of me and i was going to go "La Bamba style"
i arrived there of course very much alive on the outside but without a doubt dead on the inside
what a great time to rediscover my self
who i really was
and my true values
and just my luck i developed a horribly massive stomach virus
which actually started in september but...
my fear of doctors prevented me from getting myself check prior to the trip and god damn well knows im not about to go to the hospital in a different country
but i will eat the food
and drink your water
even though i was advised not to
so not only was i eating very little (up to 1 1/2 meals a day) i ended of puking it all up later that night
it's then i realized i probably have something severly wrong with me and with 3 weeks in peru i did a lot of thinking
I was in a different country for the first time, a country that had a lot to do with my misery and a country where every where you turn everyone is in love. its sickening
and im peruvian
of course not there, there i'm american
anyways...
i saw a lot of peru. probably more than most people will ever in there lifetime,
1. because i am peruvian
2. I have family in peru
my dad was returning after 20 years of not ever going back...20 years of not seeing his brothers and sisters who cant get a visa and will probably never step foot in america. my dad's side of the family who is also living in poverty there. My uncles and aunts still live in the house my dad grew up in which barely has a ceiling, another aunt living in cusco with not hot water. they didnt have much but offered everything to us, especially because for a few days we'd be living with them. in poverty.
at first angry that i couldnt have a "real vacation" , the kinds people have you know on the beach, drinking cocktails and hitting of the hot locals
no i didnt have that. i lived like they did.
as i lived with them, i felt bad for my self and dwelled on my misery
how selfish of me. how completely selfish of me.
also not knowing much spanish i had to learn, especially because my 2 other sister being fucking stuck up cunts themselves ( i love them) didnt feel like speaking spanish at all while being there minus a few words here and there
i dedicated my stay there to mostly speaking soley in spanish. During that time still very much sick. i learned a lot about my newly introduced family, like my cousin willy the artist who makes the most incredible inka sculptures i have ever seen. seriously you can find sculptures anywhere but his had such craftmanship , no flaws i cant even tell you. his sister, an artist as well...made beautiful jewlery. This is what they did to get by.
they just bought a microwave and it was broken because they didnt know they werent allowed to put spoons in it, which when they told us was funny but sad because they probably saved up to get it and will have to save up agan to gte another one.
We also spent most of our time in lima and callao where the streets are flooded with men women & children selling just about everything from candies, sodas to books and garbage bags, even their talent where kids would do flips on the road during red lights. And my dad would recollect of how when he was younger he too did the same thing
My moms side, the part that i saw....well they were rich
my uncle being former mayor who worked along side the president Fugimori
they had maids and chauffers and running hot water
we stayed with my late grandpa's crazy older sister, who i loved but shes a crazy old bat
her neice being my tia neca, who got a nose job at 16 do to her relationships with rich older men (we have that in common/ not the nose job) she now married to a rich brit, that was fun. my family literally wined and dined with rich power moguls from britain and other rich peruvians.
it was odd
seeing two different worlds of peru

i still have to go to the doctors
and as always i lost my train of thought
but peru well, i say get some family in peru and really see for yourself what peru is all about


3 weeks in Peru
1 week stomach virus
1 week flu/ cold
2 days altitude sickness
the rest of the time revovering

i was told to tell the truth

Since being an arts Management Major I took a marketing class where we basically had a class where a portion was dedicated to blogging. A kind of "How To" and the only thing I really learned, minus the whole marketing, branding yourself aspect was to TELL THE TRUTH. if i left anything out why would anyone want to listen to me?
its hard to make people listen to me anyways

i always felt i was a better writer than i am speaker. i have a million thoughts at once. i mumble, stutter, and talk too fast. i change topics like no other and am very random. never been diagnosed with ADD/ ADHD, though i should have been but i lied to the doctors. i have many secrets
basically im kinda crazy. i think so anyways
and in the words of kramer from Seinfield
"or am i so crazy im sane?"

saying that...

last night was the last friday at purchase before winter break. thank god. and of coarse its quiet hours which means no parties, which i didnt even feel like going to anyways
1) because its - whatever out
2) purchase parties suck

and i found myself alone walking in the olde at 11:30, looking for my only friend left, fritz. cold, and already angry due to the crazy people i know and live with arguing and fighting, literally about to throw punches. i walk towards the only person i can feel some comfort in. being a wandering phone-less friend, i arrive ti his place with no say as to where he is. which was no surprise to me because fritz goes on hiatus during the weekend and will pop up monday morning as usual to smoke our brains out and continue to do so until friday during the day. he's not my friend just because we smoke
we are both crazy
crazy sane people
crazy sane people with lost sense of being
were are not hopeless, or unmotivated. we are both driven and hardworking
but we lost ourselves in someone, a part of us we may never possible get back
and both fairly recent
both finding a way to overcome our wounds
struggling of coarse

i say my only friend because the person i lost a part of myself in
well, he was my 2nd friend
1 of 2 people who saw a side of me, i dare not show many people.
actually just those to, and not even fully
next to my sisters, which dont really count (no offense)
ive kept my life hidden, mu whole life until a few years ago where i broke down and decided to try and finally reveal myself
which usually ended miserably and me being hurt because i would be myself and people didn't like it
people didn't like me (I usually dont give a fuck)
so here goes one more try i say
last year
i met my "match" (hhaha match)
i had a wall up at first and I wasn't even going to give him a chance but being who he was. incredible. i got scared
scared of losing him
scared of revealing myself with the same outcome
scared of being hurt again
but in trying to fulfill their needs I lost sight of my own
i dont know where things went wrong but i lost him
my friend i would favor above all else
the one i would talk to, and make me feel safe without doing anything
anyways...im rambling

SO on this Friday night and no fritz insight
i walk back to my apartment. alone. and freezing
its then I realized. I don't have any friends.
with sounds of laughter and dance music and groups talking as i slowly fade away into the dark
i became sad

where was my other friend?
he was never there physically, but he was always there. even to leave a voicemail
and now. no more.
i recalled a conversation i had with my past friend about having no friends and that i liked his group of friends and wanted friends like his.
i don't need many people in my life
just important ones
i was lonely
i am lonely
and it goes unnoticed because the persona, the image i give off here is one of great strength, never sad, busy, on the go, leader that (this is the best part) KNOWS EVERYONE, AM FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE
to people around here, they don't understand how I can be so alone
but just because people know me or i know them doesn't mean im not

I understand why it had to be like this and why you had to leave. I understand why we separated an I know that i that it's for the better. im young. your figuring out your life. were both busy. I was in way too deep, much deeper than you. I understand we needed a break. i get it ok!

what i don't get it why I have to loose a friend. I didn't want to have to put a name to us, i just want my friend back. i dont want to be with you. i just want you to be there. and I haven't called because only half of what i just said is true. and im not sure if i ever will. because there's some feeling inside me, a lot of if and it's something I can explain
its a good feeling
what I don't get is if I understand why things are the way they are; then why am i at the position that im at?
i just want my friend back but it might be too late

1)a phone works both ways and if my "friend" wanted to, they would
2) last few things said by my "friend" were probably some of the MOST hurtful things ever said to me


refusing to let this night go, though i should of, and making an attempt to find people i found myself surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and jerks and already binded group cluster and in my effort to reach out i was given the cold shoulder, forced to sit on a couch and occupy my hands by drinking 1 beer the entire night just to give me something to do since no one was going to talk to. desperately wanting myself to just go back to my room i lingered on until 3 am where it became blatantly obvious the night was a fail.

I lay here consoling myself on an unmade bed mattress and for some reason im still awake

he's ruined me

and now it's over
a relationship ive been working on and hoping to keep together for a year has met it's completion. its end. it's over
and it's weird that it's over
I knew this day would come, but I didn't actually think it would come
i was so blind to the fact that time will catch up to us all eventually and now im alone and it's all so strange. a scary kind of new
SInce being harmed from past relationships I found recovering from this one to be much easier than the last
in a way that i did not mop and sob for a months time rather what i did do was cry the night before the break up and the night dont of, got it all out, so what i thought, that even a mere few days after the break up I feel nothing
Im not hurt and my heart is not broken,
just bruised
or maybe im just numb to it all but as of right now I feel a sense of content and level headedness
In my relationship I dealt with the same matters
When I had a boyfriend, I didn't get to see him a lot. twice a month if I was lucky. I smoked a lot. hung out with friends. went to work. took photos. etc
and now that im a part of the single majority again my life has been exactly the same
minus the fact i have a designated person to go and have sex with.

(this is the cold hearted side of my heart speaking)

i dont hurt. i do miss him but in all honesty it's for the best. Im a young 2o years old mama-cita and I couldn't honestly keep that unexposed to a guy who doesn't even want it
and coming from the not most faithful person in the world. me being in a seriously relationship must be some kind of joke!

WHT DID WE BREAK UP? (in my opinion) I felt as of he didn't care about saving our relationship and I knew for a fact he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew weeks before that the end was near. He lost that spark he had for me, so there i am head over heels in lust with a man who really just likes my sex? if even, but i do think im good.
it's not that i didn't want to be with him. i did
but I couldn't let him go on in anymore in a relationship he wanted nothing to with and when he would hang out with me he'd seem miserable and say comments that basically meant " I could be somewhere better." I blame this to the fact that he would not remember most of our nights
due to drinking
the nights that made me fall for him so hard
since he would have no recollection
the last time i saw him after a a semi decent/ wreck of a 1 year anniversary i was on the bus to work with him, the last thing he said to me was " i had a good time" i turn away and quickly roll my eyes
probably to the fact that I wasn't even sure if he remembered last night and words he spoke to me that MAY or may not have been said to me
and I thought to myself a girlfriend should not be rolling her eyes to a her boyfriend saying he had a good time
but i genuinely felt as if he didn't mean it and i didn't believe him
that's when i knew the end was about to occur

after the bitterness I calmed down and realized it was going to be ok
sort of.....TBA



andy. felt nothing. made fun. nothing offer. hurtful things hes said. karma