Since being an arts Management Major I took a marketing class where we basically had a class where a portion was dedicated to blogging. A kind of "How To" and the only thing I really learned, minus the whole marketing, branding yourself aspect was to TELL THE TRUTH. if i left anything out why would anyone want to listen to me?
its hard to make people listen to me anyways
i always felt i was a better writer than i am speaker. i have a million thoughts at once. i mumble, stutter, and talk too fast. i change topics like no other and am very random. never been diagnosed with ADD/ ADHD, though i should have been but i lied to the doctors. i have many secrets
basically im kinda crazy. i think so anyways
and in the words of kramer from Seinfield
"or am i so crazy im sane?"
last night was the last friday at purchase before winter break. thank god. and of coarse its quiet hours which means no parties, which i didnt even feel like going to anyways
1) because its - whatever out
2) purchase parties suck
and i found myself alone walking in the olde at 11:30, looking for my only friend left, fritz. cold, and already angry due to the crazy people i know and live with arguing and fighting, literally about to throw punches. i walk towards the only person i can feel some comfort in. being a wandering phone-less friend, i arrive ti his place with no say as to where he is. which was no surprise to me because fritz goes on hiatus during the weekend and will pop up monday morning as usual to smoke our brains out and continue to do so until friday during the day. he's not my friend just because we smoke
we are both crazy
crazy sane people
crazy sane people with lost sense of being
were are not hopeless, or unmotivated. we are both driven and hardworking
but we lost ourselves in someone, a part of us we may never possible get back
and both fairly recent
both finding a way to overcome our wounds
struggling of coarse
i say my only friend because the person i lost a part of myself in
well, he was my 2nd friend
1 of 2 people who saw a side of me, i dare not show many people.
actually just those to, and not even fully
next to my sisters, which dont really count (no offense)
ive kept my life hidden, mu whole life until a few years ago where i broke down and decided to try and finally reveal myself
which usually ended miserably and me being hurt because i would be myself and people didn't like it
people didn't like me (I usually dont give a fuck)
so here goes one more try i say
i met my "match" (hhaha match)
i had a wall up at first and I wasn't even going to give him a chance but being who he was. incredible. i got scared
scared of losing him
scared of revealing myself with the same outcome
scared of being hurt again
but in trying to fulfill their needs I lost sight of my own
i dont know where things went wrong but i lost him
my friend i would favor above all else
the one i would talk to, and make me feel safe without doing anything
SO on this Friday night and no fritz insight
i walk back to my apartment. alone. and freezing
its then I realized. I don't have any friends.
with sounds of laughter and dance music and groups talking as i slowly fade away into the dark
i became sad
where was my other friend?
he was never there physically, but he was always there. even to leave a voicemail
and now. no more.
i recalled a conversation i had with my past friend about having no friends and that i liked his group of friends and wanted friends like his.
i don't need many people in my life
just important ones
i was lonely
i am lonely
and it goes unnoticed because the persona, the image i give off here is one of great strength, never sad, busy, on the go, leader that (this is the best part) KNOWS EVERYONE, AM FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE
to people around here, they don't understand how I can be so alone
but just because people know me or i know them doesn't mean im not
I understand why it had to be like this and why you had to leave. I understand why we separated an I know that i that it's for the better. im young. your figuring out your life. were both busy. I was in way too deep, much deeper than you. I understand we needed a break. i get it ok!
what i don't get it why I have to loose a friend. I didn't want to have to put a name to us, i just want my friend back. i dont want to be with you. i just want you to be there. and I haven't called because only half of what i just said is true. and im not sure if i ever will. because there's some feeling inside me, a lot of if and it's something I can explain
its a good feeling
what I don't get is if I understand why things are the way they are; then why am i at the position that im at?
i just want my friend back but it might be too late
1)a phone works both ways and if my "friend" wanted to, they would
2) last few things said by my "friend" were probably some of the MOST hurtful things ever said to me
refusing to let this night go, though i should of, and making an attempt to find people i found myself surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and jerks and already binded group cluster and in my effort to reach out i was given the cold shoulder, forced to sit on a couch and occupy my hands by drinking 1 beer the entire night just to give me something to do since no one was going to talk to. desperately wanting myself to just go back to my room i lingered on until 3 am where it became blatantly obvious the night was a fail.
I lay here consoling myself on an unmade bed mattress and for some reason im still awake
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