Where will this wind take me? (Circa 2008)

I was a free spirit flowing in the wind, at first it was calm but now times have become rough, i don't have a sense of direction, im blind and being taken for a ride through storms and i thought that was behind me..after the after-matt until i flowed through the occasional ocean, ocean, oh-cean, i was better...i was free and released...until politics bombarded the air...
if you lay with important figures it will only show you how little you are
and when i laid with this figure, his figure, his figure was whole...beyond what i have yet to accomplish...i was only apart of your happiness for a moment in time...but you dragged me in as if i was meant to be there forever, i now know what your followers see
I didn't care, knowing of you was fine...but i never heard the most beautiful voice which at the time was associated with the most beautiful word, the first thing you said to me in 1 word...my name...at that alone...you did your work, you single handedly took down years of walls put up, knocked down tough barriers, with a single word you stole me heart
and its not fair! i was supposed to be free and fine like i was, and finally i was over and won a great war with myself...without notice you started another one. I had no more than a few weeks with my newly founded freedom, and this war was unlike the others i did not put up a fight, i gave in...retreated and surrendered.

I know i was your prey, i know you hunted me down...but for what? did you know what ive been through. I could be stronger now...and as you told me the story of your 6month insecurity and loneliness i was there, the first girl in a while to be enjoying your presence, to be wanting to make you happy...ive succeeded in that but for what? I want to come across those grey eyes, stare into them and start over. You seemed genuine, and to an extent you are....
but seeing how happy you are now, only makes me realizes how much i contributed to you well being and state of mind...but not in a good way, as a stepping stone
and i know you look back, to the politics of it all, after seeing the empty space by your bed, and know that the wind brought me into your direction and you saw something in me...more than anyone else to notice that i was the one you'd keep until you were sent off. So as the wind was too strong for me and sent me into another storm and you in the other direction...i know it promises to bring me back on track...and you on your way, but though time heals all, storms are beautifully sad and no one knows where they will end up. And it saddens me to think that this wind will separate us forever, and i wont get another chance...to be as happy as you is a dream, to be happy with you is a wish and a memory
Im in a storm im not supposed to be in but if it sends me back to you, i will go through it all...again and again.
the sea is coming close and will direct me into more storms and the after-matt brought me to you...i want to end up with you. Presidents don't compare to the believers you have...you could change all...in a single kiss...you could change minds...including my own...
when you lay again, clouds will clear and from here on out..forecast says its nothing but sunny skies and a chance to fall in love

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karla Mera

I have a TV show at Purchase College called THE TWO TWINS SHOW and it airs every monday at 10:30 - 11:00pm. We have musical artists come on the show where they play 2 to 3 songs and are interviewed. These aren't just any artists, they are up and coming, talented, and a breath of fresh air. We also show our favorite YouTube videos and other viral videos on the internet.  I will also be blogging about our artists, future episode, what changes are going on and whatever happens during the show  Join the Two Twins Facebook Page and the Two Twins Twitter Page and help us get fans and followers so they can stay up to date with their soon to be favorite twins and their antics!  watch us hit the top of the social media charts! should be an exciting ride

My other blog is CREATIVE UNKNOWNS
It's a blog where I explore my creative side and use my creativity in different formats such as fashion, photography, music, art, poetry/ lyrics and writing and whatever else I express myself through.  It's the best forms of my art in my opinion or will be showcasing other creative unknowns i think you should check out.  Also it's a great place to look at what i wear and what my style is.  If you're lucky i could be giving stuff away (because I own so many things)

Well there they are. Head Trip is a blog going trough the mind and life of me, whether i create fake scenarios from my own thoughts and minds pr if i write about actually occurrences that have happened to me (most love and loss and what is is to be a young 20 something girl on a journey through her life

Cellabacy of the worst kind

I find myself ruined
I find others ruined
by love
their pleasure taken away
and replaced by pain
or worse
replaced with nothing

They feel nothing
when they are kissed, hugged or touched
when they Lust, love, or fuck

Why bother to indulge in intimacy?
Why bother in letting others in
in your heart and in your mind
or even inside of you
when you know for a fact you will feel nothing
if anything

I declare of vow of self love
not sexually
but personally
I declare
I am in a relationship with myself
we are having problems
but I am willing to work them out

I am married to myself
and for better or for worse
I will try to love myself

though this wandering eye
may want to stray
may want cheat and lie
I will do my best
to listen to myself
and be by myself
Until I find the best
of the best
of all the rest

A room full of wrong

When 3 years of lust turns into a potential scenario
where sex, youth, and infidelity combine
to make for a string of wrong turns and dirty minds

In this room, where I confide
in you in which I wish you were in me

To discuss the negatives of my life
as you look upon my body, with those aged eyes
I barely know who you are
and you want me bare

Like a scene from a movie
Ill swipe all desk supplies onto the floor
a locked room, a closed door
committing sins, tempting tease

With our eyes, we are wrong
with our passion, our movement
our lust remains strong

but that day, where we act on our wrong will be in our hearts
because we don't mean no harm
treating me like a child even though you'd love me like a women

Mister trickster with a career and a wife
I do feel guilty but it's unfair
you have a child and another life

When you leave this room
our 30 minutes of innocense ends
when you enter your car to drive
home and kiss all those who make you feel alive

But for a moment this young girl tickles your fancy
in this room you wish you could have thee
office space with enough room to hide secrets
enough consequences to never say a word and keep this
forever an idea
and never a reality

Used to

We used to be lovers
we used to be
we used to
We used to be Lovers
we did

we used to
We used to be
We used to be lovers
we used to be
we used to
we use to do anything but love

We used to be best friends
we used to be friendly
we used to be everything but be in love

We used to be soul mates
we used to go on dates
We used to do eveything but be in love

We used to be lovers
we used to be
we used to
We used to be Lovers
we did
we used to
We used to be
We used to be lovers
we used to be
we used to
we use to do anything but love

We used to be phone sex
we used to be endless
We used to be eveything but in love

We used to be romance
we used to be content
We used to be everything but in love

We used to be lovers
we used to be
we used to
we use to do anything but love

We used to be EVERYTHING but in love

How could I say

When others hurt for so long

I know
I know
I know what they must feel

to want to dry up and wither away
and after so long

that pain
that pain
that pain doesn't see to go away

though the tears
they dry up and shrivle away

Like everyone telling you
it will all go away
but... it doesn't
it lingers and stays
hovering around every dark corner
every drunken haze
every lovers craze

For you to come up to me and tell me your soul, letting me know. That after so long, you're letting me know, that your will to go on, your will to live... you have none

well i feel no pity
and no pity fills me

Telling me, letting me know, that intoxicated as you are, you wouldn't mind riding off that hill in your car. well i feel no pity

I tell them I know how you must feel because i felt it too
But apparently I know nothing if that feeling is in you
It's been a year later and you still feel the same
sad, miserable with nothing left to gain

I tell him: you have to go on and be you. live you
don't live for others anymore, you just have to live

but I see it in their glossed over eyes
they've lost the fight
with over a year later they still just want to cry

over that person who will never care to know if they did, or if they didn't
I have no pity

How could I say, such cruel cruel words
when all their heart was taken away
How could I say to keep trecking on their way
when almost a year later
that feeling i have for you
still hasn't gone away

how could I say
what if I told you I feel the same as felt that lonely december day

almost a year ago
i still feel the same

Those their they've left but the feelings still strong
I too have to just live on
this battle is not meant to be won

Rediscover the Self. Yourself

As time goes by
quickly past our eyes
one must realize
that one must fill time
with pleasure
and spontaneity
Be Loud, Be Free and be You
at all times

I find now and days the luster that shined down on all us us
when we were born
grow to fade
fade to a shade of grey
once our eyes were wide open to the world
now turns the other way
the dreams we had, the hope inside of all
have been lost and forgotten
apathetic and rotten

I stumble upon more beings just getting through life
rather than living their life
day by day by day
the same way all day
afraid to go after what's theirs
afraid to follow their heart
the things that made people glow now terrify those who refuse to go forth

I for one will always be true to myself
be myself
at least most of the time
and if that means having insane goals, dreaming too big that others laugh at
telling me I'm not realistic
that i need to be brought back to earth
I tell them no!
no matter how hard the struggle may be
I will not be you
I will not be another lost soul
lost inside a world who let their dreams go

Promise me, promise yourself
I will not live a world of what if
Promise me, promise yourself
I'd rather die doing what I want

why wish for a life you want
when you can reach out and grab it

Most of us will just let life pass by
very few of us will actually live our life

I have yet to loose my wandering wide eyes
don't settle, never settle

Terrifying? yes. but everything new always is
I don't want to play it safe
I don't want to be realistic
I just want to exude the essence that is

after all
all great people didn't just sit arums and wait for success
all great people didn't think twice about going after their goals and dreams
all great people never lost that spark they had
even when beaten battered and withered
and neither should you

My Interpretation of a class Discussion ( A DRAMA )

8:30 ish Tuesday April  morning

At first we started learning about about CO BRANDING

Co Branding - Combining the resources of two in individual blah blah.

Co Branding increases your sales. You get the best of both worlds from different target markets and for LESS!   Oh! and while your getting a larger target audience YOU save money, like those commercials say... but never really do. And this new thing they're saying:

To be Environmentally Friendly

Okay now, got that down. what's next?  POSITIONING :

Positioning has come to mean the process by which marketers try to create an image or identity in the minds of their target market for its productbrand, or organization.

They want people to think about their product


( Kleenex has replaced the word Tissue.  What You are saying is a Brand )
( Tiger Associated with Golf ) Tiger is Golf is people's minds
( Coke rather saying Soda, Pop, Pepsi  ) "can I have a Coke"

you get the idea...

Why or rather How does Tiger Woods get to keep some of his sponsors after the whole Scandal. In MY small Definition Tiger somehow found and slept with 4 or 5?? uglier women rather than sleep with his Super  HOT  WIFE because of this new trending addiction called  sex addiction.  (seriously though Vanity Fair was not impressive). and thats the mistresses with makeup crew in the background. I'm scared they might come after me now)
Nike kept tiger because they established a deep connection with his brand. and his father's Brand. Tigers Brand was connected to his father and when his father kicked the bucket He came out with a Bang! Except, more in the sense of Gang Bang. but not really. but maybe who knows... tiger must have  more secrets than just these chicks if he is in fact an "addict"
Thus making his new commercial controversial

Its contains two goodies: his father & the Sex Scandal
It's made for us to believe  that his father is discussing about the controversy, as if he were still alive.  When in reality the actual video is not about that, clearly. Tiger using his father to relaunch his Brand and swipe it clean so everyone can just go on, because I know we are all pretty sick of it. And Golf ratings dropped majorly so the people who want to forgive will (the fans, golf lovers etc)  and the people who didn't like him before REALLLLYYY wont like him now

(video we watched in class)

Immediately you see Nike on his hat and shirt. boom boom boom!  
A Sorry look on his face while his father speaks to him and it trigers an emotional spot.

my point was That   He Gets to keep his Sponsors when Michael Phelps Loses all of his except for Subway, so now his beautiful mold of a human being has to do those stupid commercials all because he was a 19 year old, smoking a bong... in Canada none the Less!!!!  Not Fair at All! what harm is he doing?

So  this was cool to watch early this morning. The Day after his huge Relaunch to Reposition himself,  Let's hope that 2nd time is a charm and that there will be no more third chance to relaunch your career. But the best for last.  Last for me because I think the remainder of my class I was in shock of the News I am just about to explain.


Verizon, Google, YouTube, all of those companies voted NO on Net Neutrality. Which means The Internet as we know is, will be gone.  These Companies want to have a private faster internet and everyone else will get basic internet which would be similar to dial up and have no access to videos, no special features, no games.  The Future could possibly see Internet Package deals in the near future. Just as TV has done.  If we dont buy these Paackages the rest of us will get the basic dial up version.  Remember that? I sure do.  A slower and more restricted Internet.  All because these Richer companies want to get richer.

So as I was being told this. That the Internet could be change in just a matter of 6 months, she predicted (Linda Solomon) I was having a horrendous panic attack. SHocked and in just this awe of unbelief telling myself "no this can't be true" "this isn't going to happen", only to be told that yeas it's is, and that it's already happened.  CALL THE GOVERNMENT CALL THE GOVERNMENT! well guess what little ones... It is the government. Congress also voted against Net Neutrality.SO now these companies can do something like make those Internet package deals that could cost a fortune, and by could I mean definitely.
But, you can't blame these business's. Their Mission, their Jobs are to increase company profit. It's a Smart Business move but really shitty for us. If these companies don't make a profit they go bankrupt, people get fired.  The Future Looks Gloomy; for these corporations with the Internet around.  Its open access is valuable for everyone. Larger companies will fall or have to come to the realization that with open access they will have to change their finances since they will loose their markets.

WHile still in shock I came to the realization of myself.  I, Karla Mera, am addicted. Addicted to the Internet.

Karla Mera Presents
The Newest Addiction Craze:

Internet Addiction

one who is in fear of loosing the Internet, with symptoms of sudden panic attacks, shortness in breath, prone to fainting, crying heavily, shaking, withdrawals, Possibility to end in debt for unpaid Internet Bills. Has a heavy desire and belief that one needs the Internet to survive.

I recovering my shock, realized i am addicted.  I love my Pandora.com and Facebook and YouTube, i could go on.  The Very companies that are right about to screw me! I didn't know what I would do.  I barely have any music in my Itunes, My photo's are mostly all online, I stay in connect with friends and family, I do my homework online. I use the Internet all the time. So as I am still coming to terms with this, I plan on making a video myself discussing net neutrality  which will hopefully be posted in the near future.

but there's hope and i Think his fella can hopefully make this happen

until we meet again

Karla Mera

TIme does Heal all

And when I thought this pain wouldn't end
it has
the heart is resilient
bash it smash it tear it apart, it will always come together again

I've changed though
minus the fact that i dont have sex anymore
I pick and choose my battles
like before
i would set "goals" and then i would reach them
im doing that agian
also reinventing the cock tease

I have a newly found appreciation for blunt and real people, as i am one of them.  I understand a lot more about "love" and if you ever read "Romance and Love" by Hooks it explains the difference between Love and Romance and why romance is a fantasy and Love is a choice. READ IT! but I agree.  what i wanted before was this fairy tale (which doesn't exist) and I probably chose the worst person for that because he was such a dick (in a good way) very real very tell you how it is guy
I understand now
I cant be lost again in this fantasy world make believing love is actually real
I have to choose to be in love

well about 2 weeks ago as i was recovering and in a vulnerable stage of no longer being hurt but looking for that rebound
i found my rebound
a charming very attractive blonde chill dude
very sexy
i was into him
but i was blinded and jaded again because my friends were feeding my brain nonsense
ive met this guy before
why was i not attracted to him before?
People were telling me things like "he's think you're hot" "he wants to bang you" and stuff he'd say, and all that made me go crazy
i was flustered
and quite smitten but then brought right back down to earth when on the 2nd and last week of my vulnerability  i saw him with another girl
and i was hurt
not because i actually liked him
but because i felt like a fool
i thought and made up in my head this idea of romance again and realized I don't like him i like the idea of him.  a status thing really aka another notch under my belt. SO after I was brought back down to earth
what was the real problem here? i didn't and still don't want a relationship! I've finally figured it out....I just want "dehumpnik"  real good, real bad
and it's hard to come around good sex
especially after you've cared for someone for so long, i know....i tried about 3 times and all the guys sucked... damn... so i'm just gonna stick to myself... work up my men... and then pounce, like they've never been pounced on before
in order from hot to hotter
come on ladies... what i am trying to say is shut those legs, and aim high! real high
oh! and also, never let a guy have the title of sleeping with 2 girls in 2 days, it boosts their confidence in the worst way... tempt them then pull away

just chill, and hang, and cock tease... it's a lot more fun the next day too when they only want you more instead of the awkward passing by each other moment

in the words of elton john : "the bitch is back"

The words she knows the tune she hums: A V-Day Special

and it gets easier everyday

to forget and forgive
but that feeling. no its not gone
during day light hours it's easy to forget, forget i used to know your name
the darkness though,
lonely and cold
like it's always been
but it's different this time
this time i dont know
it never mattered before that you weren't around
what matters now is the Fact that your not around

I, as always have been no friend to sleep 
avoiding as much as i can
as much as my body will allow
my days are not much better. bombarding my time with obligations and fast paced blurry memories of more responsibilities 

not that im not happy
you must know i love this type of lifestyle
busy, hectic & crazy
you must know
i never had time
we never had time
Know that I am happy
you must know that i still miss that soul
that soul that watched me grow up
and i think that's what im most bitter about, having someone you care about watch you grow
grow to be who you are now
Stumbling upon you so young. so naive
To a man, really
An almost adult figure, on the brink of figuring out their life
with just a little bit more time to have fun
that's where i fell in

naive as I was, Im not who you may think  I was
I've never had this before. a year ago it was all so new to me. and you, most likely a veteran didn't even consider how this would end
to allow me, and watch me dig deeper and deeper into my own grave
you watch
and i believe you knew it was wrong, what you were doing was wrong. we were never on the same level. Still, your actions suggested differently. the many things you'd done to cause my brain to be so gullible and ignore the truth

the truth that you never really felt the same

and letting you watch me be a girl falling in lust and then falling out
that's the part that hurts
because it makes me feel embarrassed that you ever saw that side of me, the actually side that you should only feel privileged to have seen
Those feelings meant something to me, everything i ever did took a lot for me to do
i thought you cared more than that to let me linger. especially when we used to talk about the end way before it was the end
I thought things would of been different
and Im not angry
far from
slightly bitter
because it makes me feel ashamed. that in actuality i am partly weak. i am partly human
and maybe it makes feel a little sad from time to time
that i think i might have really lost something good, and maybe it makes me upset to think that maybe you've never thought that at all

Though. look at us. both im assuming successful. both working on our careers. we werent meant to last. we were meant to go on and keep growing
using each other only for the best of reasons
i couldn't say thank you enough
i am definitely where i need to be at
this was meant to be
bitter sweet
but i cant help but hope that this goodbye isnt really a goodbye and over time, when all has calmed down that i could look into those eyes and say "hi, how have you been?"

at least you were never a shitty friend
just a shitty boyfriend
dont take that offensively
we had some good times
and if clothes came off the next time i saw you, well im not exactly opposed to the idea

happy valentines day

A few things on my mind at this moment

A few thngs I just want to say

i find it sad that in history, music has progressively gotten worse. When bands such as Led Zepplin, Beatles (Beatles Station Pandora ranting right now) have great music but poor quality of music, yea i know some stuff gets remastered
byt music today has improved equipment and we've reduce ourselves to "Tik tok : (my sisrer will love me for posting this crap song)


and Taylor swift
don't get me wrong...i can belt a good taylor swift song any day
and Laday GaGa, forget it
but I wish i didn't like it
but really music, 90's had better days than now

I'm sorry, but I was just watching the buried life and after that was "my life as LIz...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?

I am officially going to be running for Major Events Coordinator at Purchase College. I really feel ready and so sure I can make the best event yet. I've wanted this for so long

This coming year i was 136 lbs and coming back Jan. 19th I was back to my High school weight of 116 libs. due to a stomach virus and food poisoning, hell month(s). After learning of this new information i immediatley started on an eat everything in site binge. i love food

#1 what I wanna do before I die: Make a one hit wonder or a hit song every so often

I really think Mick Jagger is sexy...real sexy...i know he looks like a skeleton but c'mon, I do wish he was 20 around now...sexay - http://www.mickjagger.com/

one the topic of men...i've always had a particular style of men, ever since I was about 12/14 : Older caucasion Jewish Men
im gonna be honest drive me bananas, maybe my type will change...i do like those older italian alpachino/ deniro types... MMmmmMMM
http://fuckyeahjewishmen.tumblr.com/post/307350908/inside-the-actors-studio-questionnaire-with-robert <<< check that shit out Avatar and Schlock Holmes were ok more close to bad minus the fact that on SH downey had a God's body and seeing avatar in 3d was cool until i got a massive headache New Jersey...I approve

New York...get on that shit

Im a Conan Fan personally, but Fallon is killing it

Damn Robert Williams is getting old
.... So is Tom Hanks

#2 what I wanna do beofre I die: be in a movie with really awesome cinamotgraphy

#3 Meet Jerry Lewis (for those of you that dont know, my idol, whos tattoo i wanted on my ass at one point then wanted on my thigh and havent even gotten, definitly not gotton) oh and he's Jewish

I want a least 5 Tattoos

back in the day, i forgot what year, girls used to go on" dates for dinner"...i believe in that

You Need to watch this Documentary VICE Magazine is posting :!!!!!! i get those Magazines free when I work at American Apparel American Apparel American App App Ap Ap ....Amrican Apparel owns my life, Dov Charney is my leader
o god, sorry
I dont know what got into me
(the link to their twatter = http://twitter.com/VICEMAG )

I just started watching the Jersey shore and Im 2 1/2 shows in....and I've learned that if I was a Guiddette i would be in lust with "the situation"
i like to imagine him as a normal person...tshirt hoodie (American Apparel, sad i know and you don't even work there) and fitting dark jeans with a small beard...and less less tan...not too shaby. And didn't he want to be called the "resolution" too after new Years?

I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with him

My fritz became an RA, im sad. i dont see him as mcuh...im officially best friend less

As of right now, im pretty sure I was to age naturally

Purchase College needs to have more parties? WTF? after my freshman year PC went down hill just like the economy
I remember my share of naked Parties, ABC's, sneaking into DT parties (only once), staying up til 6am days in a row, thirsty thursdays was not an option, it was an obligation

Culture Shock needs to Happen on the Great Lawn within the next two years at Purchase College before the Great Lawn is raped and stolen from us by the athletics department

Technology will one day meet it's end. Just like the Death of Painting, The Death of Technology
but dont worry we still have a few more things to improve on our MAcs, Ipods, cell phones, and what not
the direction technology is going people are going for a more simplistic and efficient technolgy. people who had black berrts going back to razr's for cost and they enjoyed the product in the past

you're so hurtful at times, i blame
the intake of alcohol your rotting liver endures.
only because you were too
boy o boy were you too
who never even showed it in the slighest bit and
can act like a gentlemen and
make me suffer all in oe night, make
me wander for the rest of my life
come, lets count our stars tonight

im a mixute of raunchy, crazy, dirty
with a pinch of shyness

Johnny Depp is underrated, So is Quentin Tarintino

Did anyone else think they had a rough life as a middle child? i certainly think so. "it's a hard knock life"

isnt it wierd how we all have an expiration date

Perez Hilton - Im over it
and all social lites for that matter, gossip girl go to hell, and rich kids who dont work and blow money of coke and, yea those wastes of life...and daddys money which could be used for a better reason... like buying me coke. seriously though, i want your daddy's money and get your life together.

tmz is headed down too

Anderson Cooper has officially replaced Walter Conkrite, he is an incredible news reporter and I want to strive to be like him one day. His passion explodes off screen and into the viewer

Why hasnt solar power become more popular yet? Do people realize the world gets shittier and shitteir everyday

I wish Michael Jackson didn't die because he an a strong opinion of helping the enviroment...if you saw this is it then you know what i mean

Dean Martin:

Lion Vs Zebra:

I leaned how to make hitler smiley faces

rejected Halloween Costume of 2009
- surviving Cancer Patient

my 2010 resolution
cut bread - FAIL
eat more veggies - Almost Fail
Drink more alcohol - WIN
the good thing about resolutions is that you can always keep trying, just because you messed up doesnt mean you have to stop. just don't quit

no fatties.

if you think it, you totally should say it

coney island 08

looking into your eyes was more than i could ever ask for

but i know nothing will ever happen, nothing ever happened. and as you stared back i only wanted it to stay like that forever, but i cant ask for too much

drunk and wandering i stumble upon you, live music blairing and blurry vague visions, i knew instantly it was you. i lost my breath and started to choke on nothing, gasping for air throughout the whole time my eyes were only kept on you...and as i caught my breath i caught myself following you in a part of town i knew nothing about, getting lost was not an option...where you were headed was were i was supposed to be

out of the the thousands of people around me, how could i all of a sudden turn around and there you are, like it was meant to be. not knowing whether you'd be there or not, not even a clue. i turned around and it was meant to be.

i think i may have caught your eye as i passed by you, thinking so i run for cover...passing by eachother only a few more times, somewhere along the the way i loose you where i first saw you. only about 5 mintures from when i first started following you

i felt dead. there was no more reason to smile, like it was stolen from me. it was. i know you saw me, what i dont know is what you were thinking and if it was similar to what i was thinking or at least in the same catagory.

Drinking, drinking, smoking, drinking. activities un benounce to me activities that would bring me closer to you
with a group of friends in front of me, leading me, stumbling and being led the group clears, as if intentional, to show me a surprise...they cleared the way for you and our eyes met.

aren't you going to hug me?
(immediatly i put up a front)
but i hug you

naturally i sit down next to you, smoothly you hold my hand..."Karla,..karla" as you stare into my eyes, it looked like you meant it. as you caress my hand, i would of believed it.

my own name is haunted by your voice.

we talked. you were you, i was me. pretending to have no interest, no. forcing myself to have no interest...somehow it worked. dont you think so?

for some time in that one spot playing games, eating, talking, looking at eachother until...

we both got up and you kissed my forehead. that was the last of our eye contact

but as always you lost interest. and i had to pretend i wasnt hurt, and that was harder. so as the night passed and time lasped it was time for it to end...i walked away. we didnt even say goodbye.

peru: an out of order nutshell

I must say after 3 weeks in Peru and enduring 5 plane rides including my first ever (and I, terrified of planes) well, im alive
especially considering i truly believed my last days were ahead of me and i was going to go "La Bamba style"
i arrived there of course very much alive on the outside but without a doubt dead on the inside
what a great time to rediscover my self
who i really was
and my true values
and just my luck i developed a horribly massive stomach virus
which actually started in september but...
my fear of doctors prevented me from getting myself check prior to the trip and god damn well knows im not about to go to the hospital in a different country
but i will eat the food
and drink your water
even though i was advised not to
so not only was i eating very little (up to 1 1/2 meals a day) i ended of puking it all up later that night
it's then i realized i probably have something severly wrong with me and with 3 weeks in peru i did a lot of thinking
I was in a different country for the first time, a country that had a lot to do with my misery and a country where every where you turn everyone is in love. its sickening
and im peruvian
of course not there, there i'm american
i saw a lot of peru. probably more than most people will ever in there lifetime,
1. because i am peruvian
2. I have family in peru
my dad was returning after 20 years of not ever going back...20 years of not seeing his brothers and sisters who cant get a visa and will probably never step foot in america. my dad's side of the family who is also living in poverty there. My uncles and aunts still live in the house my dad grew up in which barely has a ceiling, another aunt living in cusco with not hot water. they didnt have much but offered everything to us, especially because for a few days we'd be living with them. in poverty.
at first angry that i couldnt have a "real vacation" , the kinds people have you know on the beach, drinking cocktails and hitting of the hot locals
no i didnt have that. i lived like they did.
as i lived with them, i felt bad for my self and dwelled on my misery
how selfish of me. how completely selfish of me.
also not knowing much spanish i had to learn, especially because my 2 other sister being fucking stuck up cunts themselves ( i love them) didnt feel like speaking spanish at all while being there minus a few words here and there
i dedicated my stay there to mostly speaking soley in spanish. During that time still very much sick. i learned a lot about my newly introduced family, like my cousin willy the artist who makes the most incredible inka sculptures i have ever seen. seriously you can find sculptures anywhere but his had such craftmanship , no flaws i cant even tell you. his sister, an artist as well...made beautiful jewlery. This is what they did to get by.
they just bought a microwave and it was broken because they didnt know they werent allowed to put spoons in it, which when they told us was funny but sad because they probably saved up to get it and will have to save up agan to gte another one.
We also spent most of our time in lima and callao where the streets are flooded with men women & children selling just about everything from candies, sodas to books and garbage bags, even their talent where kids would do flips on the road during red lights. And my dad would recollect of how when he was younger he too did the same thing
My moms side, the part that i saw....well they were rich
my uncle being former mayor who worked along side the president Fugimori
they had maids and chauffers and running hot water
we stayed with my late grandpa's crazy older sister, who i loved but shes a crazy old bat
her neice being my tia neca, who got a nose job at 16 do to her relationships with rich older men (we have that in common/ not the nose job) she now married to a rich brit, that was fun. my family literally wined and dined with rich power moguls from britain and other rich peruvians.
it was odd
seeing two different worlds of peru

i still have to go to the doctors
and as always i lost my train of thought
but peru well, i say get some family in peru and really see for yourself what peru is all about

3 weeks in Peru
1 week stomach virus
1 week flu/ cold
2 days altitude sickness
the rest of the time revovering

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