he's ruined me

and now it's over
a relationship ive been working on and hoping to keep together for a year has met it's completion. its end. it's over
and it's weird that it's over
I knew this day would come, but I didn't actually think it would come
i was so blind to the fact that time will catch up to us all eventually and now im alone and it's all so strange. a scary kind of new
SInce being harmed from past relationships I found recovering from this one to be much easier than the last
in a way that i did not mop and sob for a months time rather what i did do was cry the night before the break up and the night dont of, got it all out, so what i thought, that even a mere few days after the break up I feel nothing
Im not hurt and my heart is not broken,
just bruised
or maybe im just numb to it all but as of right now I feel a sense of content and level headedness
In my relationship I dealt with the same matters
When I had a boyfriend, I didn't get to see him a lot. twice a month if I was lucky. I smoked a lot. hung out with friends. went to work. took photos. etc
and now that im a part of the single majority again my life has been exactly the same
minus the fact i have a designated person to go and have sex with.

(this is the cold hearted side of my heart speaking)

i dont hurt. i do miss him but in all honesty it's for the best. Im a young 2o years old mama-cita and I couldn't honestly keep that unexposed to a guy who doesn't even want it
and coming from the not most faithful person in the world. me being in a seriously relationship must be some kind of joke!

WHT DID WE BREAK UP? (in my opinion) I felt as of he didn't care about saving our relationship and I knew for a fact he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew weeks before that the end was near. He lost that spark he had for me, so there i am head over heels in lust with a man who really just likes my sex? if even, but i do think im good.
it's not that i didn't want to be with him. i did
but I couldn't let him go on in anymore in a relationship he wanted nothing to with and when he would hang out with me he'd seem miserable and say comments that basically meant " I could be somewhere better." I blame this to the fact that he would not remember most of our nights
due to drinking
the nights that made me fall for him so hard
since he would have no recollection
the last time i saw him after a a semi decent/ wreck of a 1 year anniversary i was on the bus to work with him, the last thing he said to me was " i had a good time" i turn away and quickly roll my eyes
probably to the fact that I wasn't even sure if he remembered last night and words he spoke to me that MAY or may not have been said to me
and I thought to myself a girlfriend should not be rolling her eyes to a her boyfriend saying he had a good time
but i genuinely felt as if he didn't mean it and i didn't believe him
that's when i knew the end was about to occur

after the bitterness I calmed down and realized it was going to be ok
sort of.....TBA



andy. felt nothing. made fun. nothing offer. hurtful things hes said. karma