The Real Realization

Well of coarse!
the heart is dumb, deaf, and blind
the heart is.
I swear it's not me.

well maybe it's partly me.
half me?
mostly me.

The heart healing is a slow pain staking process
and i retract my last blog
partly,
until now.

I came to the realization that I was not a fool in love this past year and half but an idiot in lust. blinded by my own version of what happened, of what i was actually feeling and what i thought he must of been feeling.  Of coarse what i thought, i thought he was thinking was true
he's hurt, upset, depressed, wants me back, will come back eventually. will call eventually
NO NO NO NO
WRONG
i was blind. hiding my own memories from myself
Number one reason why I couldn't let go
Number two because there was never any closure

I realized that the reason why I gave myself rope to make up this make believe relationship is because there was room to do so.
an open ended ending.

He and I let myself think that "no, it's not me," "I am not the reason why we broke up"
It's him. He has "nothing to offer me," "In and out of jobs," "still lives with his parents," I am great but...

BUT NOTHING!
tell me the truth. That's all I ever wanted
Don't give me the cliche "it's not you, it's me" bullshit
when it is so clear now that the whole time it was me, and the only reason why you didn't leave is because you are a boy. a little child. only wanting one thing (take a wild guess) from me on a regular basis because any sane women would never take you.
I was a young and naive girl and you evilly made me believe that you loved me
you drunken mess
though you probably have no recollection of any of it since most of our relationship consisted of you more in love with a bottle of whiskey  by your side rather than me, and while you were intoxicated, whisper sweet lies into my gullible brain just to get into my pants

And now that i look deep into my memories
the moments when you were sober were awkward and upsetting
I can recall a date we had where you took me out to lunch, the walk there in near silence and when we ordered our food our wait consisted of boring small chit chat. The highlight of it all about my nails that I had just got done. You said they looked nice. I could tell then, that we had nothing in common but i chose to ignore it because I wanted it so badly to work.
During mid day you were cranky and seemed annoyed with me, which was followed by an immediate stop to the liquor store. You casually choosing your regular bottle of Jameson, and I, a bottle of white wine. Then we went to a movie theater, i think now so you wouldn't have to deal with me. and for you to allow yourself to slip into your alcoholism, as I sip away to my buzz
I didn't drink that much before I met you. Thinking you were so cool I wanted to always catch up, but never could.
And when the movie was done, so was your bottle
and my wine not even half way done, and I promise you.... i really tried
Then, and only then did you seem to appreciate me, seem to care I was around. You actually enjoyed our conversations. You didn't mind kissing, hugging, holding me in public... and in front of your friends
Everything was perfect.
I was blind.
It's my fault that i chose to disregard the fact that most of our great times together were when you were drunk

The day we met... you were drunk
When  I would go to your shows... you were drunk
that St Patrick's Day weekend we spent together... Obviously drunk
every time we were together.. there was alcohol around
and when we awoke the next day i would be more than happy to be by your side, but you would be in no mood to be alive because of the hang over you would endure each and every time

I am sure now that you'll never come back
never come around
never realize how much I cared
and never realize how much wrong you've done to me

I was hurt. You were never there. and I considered you one of my best and only friends

I fell in, what i thought was love, with you but your were drunk and never noticed
and when you did know, you did nothing to stop it
you just let me keep coming back, thinking that maybe one day you would realize you were
and when we broke up, correction, when i broke up with you... it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. but you wouldn't know it. would you?

and on a last note
one of the last conversations we had was one of the most hurtful conversations of my life
I so happy to be speaking to you, though at the time, knowing we were at our end
you so obviously belligerent, slurring your words, and not at all sounding coherent
stop me from my conversation with you to ask me a question
a question to this day still scarred in my mind permanently

you asked:
"How much do you like me?"
I, completely thrown off and curious, thought about it and answered:
"A lot"
which then you quickly replied:
"Well, that's unfortunate"

and now I am happy to shed this over bearing weight on my shoulders
but a part of me still cares
cares about about a part of you that never existed
you are just this perfect person I made up in my mind
disregarding all your flaws
because at the time you had none
but i promise to myself that no matter how long it take
I will get over you, i will let go
even though i don't know how to
I will spend how ever long it takes to do so

and I've said this before
but if I could go back in time, I would make it so that I would of never met you, never allowed you into my life. And i still stand by that

Thank you though, for making me that much stronger
and making my wall that much higher, and my skin that much thicker



and now, for a cheesy song to go with this blog
i would have picked a cooler one, but this has been on the radio too many times so it's stuck in my head
:)