wild side v sanity
I take photos, write poems, make videos
I want to accomplish all my goals
i like to and dreams stay crazy busy
im an overloaded work a holic
spontaneous crazy weird
driven passionate successful
A shadow of my everyday
i think of time with looks and stares
Until the clock stuck done
i walk upon clouds so proud and shout
I am bound but un-tied in my ways
do i deserve even a gaze?
but i dare lay my eyes on attraction
i am the female lion
ready to pounce and attack them
Oh but everyday now must go by
where i can never lay upon my eyes
the mystery of a missed history
a unknown prediction of running and wishing
My vanity cannot control the sanity
it's over, now in the past
Moment
The match has lit
and in due time
imagination will run wild
You are the object in view
dressed in black, you look back
with no words
and stole bits of my heart
each and every time
When i mouth words i did not mean to mention
or stumble on ever line
do not judge my every character.
Yet the depth within those words
and their value
can cause seas to stir
resinate amongst the "Ought to Matters"
I feel like a rapper or actor who told everyone via twitter that they are leaving the business... When i announced my departure from Facebook only to return two and half weeks later.
Sometimes I can't tell
sometimes I don't know
how you really feel
when you're all alone
are your words so true
that everything you say and do
belongs to me
or belongs to you
Sometimes I can't tell
sometimes I don't know
where innocence went
where new became norm
where passion is gone
I think too much but am not wrong
have you changed sir?
don't drag me along.
The past, present and premature
show me strongly that you have the ability to care
display your affection
or my detection
of a love gone awry
will break a heart with the inability of repair
I can't feel it from you anymore
Sometimes I can't tell
sometimes I don't know
how you really feel
when you're all alone
are your words so true
that everything you say and do
belongs to me
or belongs to you
Sometimes I can't tell
sometimes I don't know
where innocence went
where new became norm
where passion is gone
I think too much but am not wrong
have you changed sir?
don't drag me along.
I no longer enjoy the company of just any man
if a man
no man indeed
they are not men
but boys to men they have yet to succeed
but i once pleasured myself with boys to be
growing up with them as they came to be
as i grew too
into a lady
respecting thyself and smiling with ease
I no longer enjoy the company of just any man
there's man
a man indeed
man amongst men
someone who has long been with success
one, only one, whom i want to obsess
growing old with him, a dream yet to be
with love for me... too
i am his baby
an he's my man. with none to compare, nor would i want to. id never dare. he's a gem and with that... very rare. I love him with all. He's the only man that i'd give my time to... even my spare.
dedicated to roy grenier:
took me a long time to realize i don't want anyone else but you. I don't even enjoy hanging around other boys unless you are there.. you're my best friend and i love you very much
the first yawn of the night
... and I'm getting tired
I'm told i have a good work ethic
work like a dog,
like a mexican
worker bee. then how can i still feel so lazy?
People think I'm crazy
Is it true that I am more hard working?
more driven?
more destined to succeed.
because of the type of life i lead
the one that was nourished, refined by my parents
bounded by struggle and cemented by failure
I'm nothing more than the worlds worst prayer
but nothing is more than most people can spare
it's true my breed, our breed is rare
I'll work til I'm dead, that's all that i know
I'm told i have a good work ethic
work like a dog,
like a mexican
worker bee. then how can i still feel so lazy?
God, am I crazy?
So willingly i close my eyes
to pretend i don't see who i lye
and only imagine portraits of you
portraits i only wish were true
but none the less i kid myself
closing tightly as he kissed myself
I say no but there's no stopping
hearts a thumping, bumping and dropping
Inevitable is the word
i a lonely girl
in a cold cold world
Never thought i'd do this to you
but i have
and now i must chose
after graduating many say I should feel lucky
I should be happy to have found a job
when so many others have just turn into slobs
I have a job
that pays pretty well
a job where all I have to do is sell
I am the manager
of myself.
competing with noone
but everyone, including myself
I make good money
and everybody loves me
I'm paying my bills and i don't go hungry
But I'm living at home with my parents
telling me I am lucky I am not paying rent
to tell you the truth Id rather be poor
Id rather be in school
doing nothing at all
all i do is work
6 out of 7 days of the week
if I'm lucky
enjoying your years sheltered from the world?
you'll miss it once it's gone
TRUST ME!
Tid bit on sex:
If the sex feels right then it is right. for women it's meaningful, insightful and/ or satisfying physically and emotionally. the physical can do without the emotion but the emotional always works hand in hand with the physical
For the man, it feels right, if it's tight. The Physical will always be there but if ever the emotional, well that is rare. Don't worry ladies...
the moral: Kegel exercises
Excerpt from a college grad
I've graduated to become
a lesser version of myself
amongst many, amongst one
Where do I go from here on out
graduating with a diploma i want nothing to do with
So as i humor myself
I will follow my dreams
realizing that's the only things I want for me
and so it seems
that Life is a test for all of us
levels and levels of challenges
we can accept defeat or we must
follow and chase
and never give up
because along the way so many will face
the death of their dreams because they are rational
dying inside to be something practical
Well, not me
I am changing my this blog to updates on my life in a poetic manner but you can find my poetry at the creative unknowns blog HERE
aka being a college grad, going through regular life, finding work, dealing with love, creating my success and informing you on a personal journey of life and achievement with a few obstacles and down falls on the way
Karla Mera - Self Portrait
I never properly introduced myself. I am Karla Mera.
Once a photographer... now on a path to becoming an artist. I just want to be paid for being me and/or doing what I love
What that is I am not sure yet but I want to find
Currently 21 years of age, female, Leo, and a twin
animal lover and I enjoy helping people
I've do many things:
1) Love writing lyrics and poetry
2) Enjoy photography so long as it's not a job
3) Event planning & promotions (music shows)
4) Host for a college TV show
5) Love watching children and teaching them
6) singing, drawing, dancing, creating music
7) relaxing, sun bathing, deep breaths and long conversation in person and in depth
8) Volunteering. People and animals. It's life changing
9) Being fashionable in a cost efficient way
10) Being with Family and friends but also meeting new people, love to meet new people all the time
11) Anything outdoors
12) Social Media Marketing
Karla Mera - Self Portrait
I mostly talk about love but every now and then I get political and societal in my blogs
whatever the case, I promise you will always find something to relate to in my writings. If not this blog then the others. I would also love to hear what you have to say and always have open ears
Most of all I just like to be happy. These forums allow me to express myself and let it all out. In the end it makes me feel better and good on the inside. I suggest everyone let it all out
it's like talking to someone without any interruptions, it feels private when no one is reading but when people are reading i feel like a get my message across
Keep in touch and I will try my best to keep up with these blogs
and yes, I uploaded these pictures so google will find me easily :) and not confuse me with Karla Mora
As i walk towards my mandatory duties
i bestowed upon myself
an unpaid internship
I awoke feeling a sense of ungratefulness and lazyness
I'm tired
I'm worn
This day must be like any other working day
where I'm thrown into the city streets
to compete
amongst the others on their way to their everday
and me every other
I say goodbye to my sister
never telling her that I'll miss her
but why should I?
this day is like any other
I continue my walk from her absence another block
where the sidewalk ends and the cracked road will mock
one foot in front of the other
the street sign turns red and i must stop
but before i could the rumble and crumble of an unpaved road
brings me in deeper
like the sea drifting farther away from shore
Right before my lieing eyes
I see gravel and cabs of yellow
above me, on my knees with wide eyes
i look up at them come towards me
i give in, i subside
there was no flash before my eyes
From the Side walk into oncoming traffic
I lack the abilty to grasp the concept
I watch unafraid
front row seat to my demise
and close my eyes
"Honk" "Honk"
I re open my eyes
now noticing that I am still alive
with a flood of emotions swelling up inside
mostly fear, then embaressment
I look around and see my savoirs
walking towards me with concern,
standing beside me while traffic continues
im roughed up and bleeding
embarrassing burns
grateful for my rescue
im hurting but im breathing
a feeling so relieving
to keep on with this life of mine
knowing know for the first time
our lives have no contracts
there is nothing to sign
we eat, breathe and love
waiting in our death line
I Tried hard to overcome my selfishness that is prisoning me from having an actually loving relationship
I worked on commitment, sacrifices, and openness
I've done it
and now that I have
I am bored with it
In the Short amount of time I have had an actually working relationship, I feel as though I'm over it. That's it, onto something new
I can honestly say, I went for the unexpected, the out of my comfort zone, the not what I usually go for aka Jew Pride
I feel. Well, I feel rather savage. I have a great guy and "I'm over it?" how selfish. How completely blind i must me
This guy loves every inch of me
He's my best friend
and I think that's the problem
He is my best friend
I had my fill of perfection
I realized i am incapable of giving love fully
and I am a commitment phobe
If you want to be with me it;s on my terms
and if i want to be with you, that again; it on my terms
Selfish, self absorbed, careless, inconsiderate, and easily annoyed
Characteristics of myself
the negative ones of coarse
the positive? They are:
Demanding, Driven, Work a holic, confident, independent, motivated
So is this it
I went from a girl falling deeper and deeper in lust/ love to a girl experiencing love and falling more and more out each day
I want to go back to my old ways
It feels right
I don;t want to hurt anyone
But this feels right to me
and if I stop feeling for you all together, then whats the point on prolonging our courtship when one or the other isn't fully happy
I'm happy this happened when it did
its unfortunate when it did
and I am sorry if I cause you any pain
I will always have love for you
you are my best friend
but I am starting to lose what I did once feel
and I wont let you be dragged down with me
Well of coarse!
the heart is dumb, deaf, and blind
the heart is.
I swear it's not me.
well maybe it's partly me.
half me?
mostly me.
The heart healing is a slow pain staking process
and i retract my last blog
partly,
until now.
I came to the realization that I was not a fool in love this past year and half but an idiot in lust. blinded by my own version of what happened, of what i was actually feeling and what i thought he must of been feeling. Of coarse what i thought, i thought he was thinking was true
he's hurt, upset, depressed, wants me back, will come back eventually. will call eventually
NO NO NO NO
WRONG
i was blind. hiding my own memories from myself
Number one reason why I couldn't let go
Number two because there was never any closure
I realized that the reason why I gave myself rope to make up this make believe relationship is because there was room to do so.
an open ended ending.
He and I let myself think that "no, it's not me," "I am not the reason why we broke up"
It's him. He has "nothing to offer me," "In and out of jobs," "still lives with his parents," I am great but...
BUT NOTHING!
tell me the truth. That's all I ever wanted
Don't give me the cliche "it's not you, it's me" bullshit
when it is so clear now that the whole time it was me, and the only reason why you didn't leave is because you are a boy. a little child. only wanting one thing (take a wild guess) from me on a regular basis because any sane women would never take you.
I was a young and naive girl and you evilly made me believe that you loved me
you drunken mess
though you probably have no recollection of any of it since most of our relationship consisted of you more in love with a bottle of whiskey by your side rather than me, and while you were intoxicated, whisper sweet lies into my gullible brain just to get into my pants
And now that i look deep into my memories
the moments when you were sober were awkward and upsetting
I can recall a date we had where you took me out to lunch, the walk there in near silence and when we ordered our food our wait consisted of boring small chit chat. The highlight of it all about my nails that I had just got done. You said they looked nice. I could tell then, that we had nothing in common but i chose to ignore it because I wanted it so badly to work.
During mid day you were cranky and seemed annoyed with me, which was followed by an immediate stop to the liquor store. You casually choosing your regular bottle of Jameson, and I, a bottle of white wine. Then we went to a movie theater, i think now so you wouldn't have to deal with me. and for you to allow yourself to slip into your alcoholism, as I sip away to my buzz
I didn't drink that much before I met you. Thinking you were so cool I wanted to always catch up, but never could.
And when the movie was done, so was your bottle
and my wine not even half way done, and I promise you.... i really tried
Then, and only then did you seem to appreciate me, seem to care I was around. You actually enjoyed our conversations. You didn't mind kissing, hugging, holding me in public... and in front of your friends
Everything was perfect.
I was blind.
It's my fault that i chose to disregard the fact that most of our great times together were when you were drunk
The day we met... you were drunk
When I would go to your shows... you were drunk
that St Patrick's Day weekend we spent together... Obviously drunk
every time we were together.. there was alcohol around
and when we awoke the next day i would be more than happy to be by your side, but you would be in no mood to be alive because of the hang over you would endure each and every time
I am sure now that you'll never come back
never come around
never realize how much I cared
and never realize how much wrong you've done to me
I was hurt. You were never there. and I considered you one of my best and only friends
I fell in, what i thought was love, with you but your were drunk and never noticed
and when you did know, you did nothing to stop it
you just let me keep coming back, thinking that maybe one day you would realize you were
and when we broke up, correction, when i broke up with you... it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. but you wouldn't know it. would you?
and on a last note
one of the last conversations we had was one of the most hurtful conversations of my life
I so happy to be speaking to you, though at the time, knowing we were at our end
you so obviously belligerent, slurring your words, and not at all sounding coherent
stop me from my conversation with you to ask me a question
a question to this day still scarred in my mind permanently
you asked:
"How much do you like me?"
I, completely thrown off and curious, thought about it and answered:
"A lot"
which then you quickly replied:
"Well, that's unfortunate"
and now I am happy to shed this over bearing weight on my shoulders
but a part of me still cares
cares about about a part of you that never existed
you are just this perfect person I made up in my mind
disregarding all your flaws
because at the time you had none
but i promise to myself that no matter how long it take
I will get over you, i will let go
even though i don't know how to
I will spend how ever long it takes to do so
and I've said this before
but if I could go back in time, I would make it so that I would of never met you, never allowed you into my life. And i still stand by that
Thank you though, for making me that much stronger
and making my wall that much higher, and my skin that much thicker
and now, for a cheesy song to go with this blog
i would have picked a cooler one, but this has been on the radio too many times so it's stuck in my head
:)
In a whole year of self loathing, healing and basically nurturing myself back to health over spilt milk
I am cured?
well to be honest an entire year crying over something or SOMEONE can really do it's damage to a person
such as:
1) Giving you deep dark baggy under circles under your eyes
2) Make you FAT
as much as I liked to deny it, I've turned to poor sleep and eating habits to console the soul which quite honestly could of been my downfall
could of?
Let's be honest here... I'm disgusting/ slash not really because compared to many young ladies I am a plus size model
for all you ignorant people out there PLUS SIZE models are sizes 6, 7, & 8... normal
I weigh exactly 130lbs
now compare that to last years stomach virus
i weighed 119lbs
how in both years could i be so unhealthy?
Oh that's right... it's called an unhealthy relationship!
and anyone in one, should get out of it
because believe you me
once you're out
you're not truly out
back to health: I haven't really worked out in a year. I used to love working out
On a happier side note,
LOVE LIFE:
To whoever said that time heals all. GOD DAMMIT! you're right. but I have to say... once you're healed though, you're never really the same. You've permanently changed and in personal opinion always for the better
I am however healed due to the new boy in my life, which may be a little bit of cheating but guys come in and out of a girls life and they never know when its going to happen
such is the case with me
and I'm not going to lie, I still think about my Ex
I just hope he sometimes think about me while he masturbates *crosses fingers*
Anyways this new guy likes me as is
JUST THE WAY I AM. He's such a good, nice guy. He calls me, He came to my families new years (mind you that drive he made was a 3 hour one) He wants to hang out with me, LIKES MY FRIENDS, lets me meet his friends, didn't mind that he was arrested because of me
come on, what a great guy!
but I've already had multiple friends come u to me and say "Don't hurt him" and/ or "I hope you settle"
WHAT? I'm a single lady, and I can already see me going back to my old tendencies. my friends know me best, I'm not a relationship person but all I know is... I don't plan on a serious relationship but I don't plan on hurting the guy. He's too nice for me to do that. I know I'm a pimpett bitch but He is already a good friend and I plan on keeping it that way
Besides, the guy I am with. He is someone I can actually talk to and he'll actually listen
that's hard to come by
and I'm not a child anymore
I'd be and idiot to give that up
